Alan: Did you have to park so close?
Doug: Yeah, what’s wrong?
Alan: I shouldn’t be here.
Doug: Why is that, Alan?
Alan: I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school… or a Chuck E. Cheese.
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Phil: Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor: don’t text me, it’s gay
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Alan: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.
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Alan: Tigers love pepper… they hate cinnamon.
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Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil: Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu: I should go.
Melissa: That’s a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
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Stu: What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don’t you worry your pretty striped head, we’re gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we’re gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we’re gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he’s been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we’re shit out of luck.
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Mr. Chow: Its funny because he’s fat!
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Alan: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, « Wait a second, could it be? » And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
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Doug: Tracy did mention we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
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Alan: Can I ask you another question?
Lisa: Sure.
Alan: You probably get this a lot. This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan: Did, hmm… did Caesar live here?
Lisa: No.
Alan: I didn’t think so.
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Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.
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Alan: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It’s not gambling when you know you’re gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu: It’s also illegal.
Alan: It’s not illegal, it’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
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Stu: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan: Thank you.
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Alan: And we’re the three best friends that anyone could have!
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Alan: Hey you guys ready to let the dogs out?
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Dr. Valsh: It’s at the corner of get a map and fuck off!
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Alan: He’s got a gun!
Phil: No shit he’s got a gun?!
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